From 3 to 4 years:
Children are curious about where the babies come from. They explore their bodies and want to know the difference between them and those of their parents (or other adults). Maybe you have already noticed that at this age infants are playing games like ‘doctor’ or ‘family’. It’s their natural search for understanding of the world around them that provokes them to play those games.
It’s at this age again that appears the so called “Oedipal Complex’’ (see our ‘Theories’ section, S. Freud) that is characterized by intense attachment of the girls to their fathers and of the boys to their mothers.
When obsessed, children start to touch their genital parts. This behavior is (most of the time) accused from the parents as it’s inappropriate in public places and even at home. At the same time children start to understand the difference between ‘public’ and ‘private’ which creates a sense of modesty and shame especially in the presence of strangers.
There are several important things you should be aware of. First of all you have to accept that your child will (most likely) masturbate since the age of 3 or 4 years. This is not always easy to get used to but this is the way things go. That’s it’s way when it happens (when you hear your child talking about it, or when someone else like a teacher for example says that to you) you have to be prepared. You should say (calmly) to your kid that this is something he (or she) can only make in private and that it’s not very appropriate to speak about it to other people. Be careful not to look too nervous or disturbed of the subject as this can create a feeling of something dirty and shameful. Thus your child could stop to execute the action which will definitely become a problem in the future (the risks are multiple: disturbed sexuality, over masturbation later in life, avoiding behavior etc.). Don’t forget to mention that all the kids do it (in private). This will reassure your child and give him the confidence that he’s not doing something wrong.
Another interesting topic is the influence of the television on our kids. Often television shows far more than parents want their kids to know. What we can advice you is to carefully choose the movies and the series that your kid is going to watch. Although this may sound exhausting, it’s an important part of the education. Even if you have a wonderful atmosphere at home (no scandals, alcohol abuse or violence) the television can create serious psychological problems in your kid. ‘Hard’ scenes can disturb your child mind for couple of seconds. That’s why you should speak with you kid about sex, violence or drugs and not allow television to become his (or hers) first source of information.
One of parents’ favorite question is certainly this one: ‘’Where do babies come from?” There is no correct answer to it – some believe that it’s best to avoid the subject ad say something like: ‘shturkel bring them.” While others prefer to expose a biological lecture with the title “The human body”. None of those two alternatives is completely right. If you start to talk about the …… you risk your child to hear ‘the naked true’ from a friend on the street. Thus he’ll feel confused for being so wrongly informed.
(Imagine for example, that you have an important presentation to make. You go to your partner to ask him for help with the understanding of a given thing as he or she is far more familiar with the subject than you. As he or she doesn’t want to confuse you with complicated details he (she) decides to explain you the material with an inappropriately simple metaphor. The next day you go to work and repeat what you’ve heart. You see that everybody laughs at you because the true is completely different from what you know. How would you feel? Well, now you understand the way your kid’s feeling every time you hide from him things he’s old and smart enough to understand).
Not only he (or she) will lose his trust in you but won’t be prepared for such honest information.
The second option can be too complicated for the little one which will make him believe that you just don’t want to tell him the true. We recommend you to try this. When a question like this is asked accord it a certain amount of time. Don’t just ‘through’ the information like is something normal. Sit down and try to explain to your kid that this is an important topic that he or she will understand better when they grow up. For now though you can clarify that babies come from the mother’s body in which there is a special place called ‘the uterus’. You can elaborate that he or she has also came from there and that this place is specially made for babies.
From 5 to 7 years:
This is the beginning of new relationships and experiences. Children start to make friends outside the family and feel more comfortable to interact with unfamiliar children. With the emergence of those new friendships appear many new things: ideas and opinions about life and family, language, often inappropriate and sexual oriented, desire to be left alone for a certain amount of time (especially during toilet and bathroom activities). Children start to see themselves as part of a group where they occupy a very specifically determine place (the leader, the best friend, the funny one etc). The group starts to have control on kid’s behavior while the family influence becomes smaller.
Kids ‘get out’ of the ‘Oedipal Complex’ and start to look up to the parent of the same sex. Girls become closer to their mothers while boys to their fathers. This stage is extremely important as it determine the direction of the child’s life. Let’s see the two genders separately:
a) Girls
At this age girls start to learn their social role from their mothers. Cocking, cleaning and house managing are some of the things little miss are eager to apprehend. The image of the mother is very important as the girl will try to imitate it and eventually follow for the rest of her life. This is in some extend due to the fact that those mothers have enough time to spend with their child In families where the mother is a housewife there are considerable chances that the daughters will become the same. But this process is a bit more complicated. Housewives are (in most of the cases) perfectionists. This has its explanation: as the woman doesn’t have a career she fulfils her need of achievements with a perfectly ranged house. Thus, it becomes really difficult to match her expectations. The girl on the other hand, tries to enter in competition with her mother for the attention of the father (this process remains almost entirely subconscious). In some way those girls feel the need to continue the road of their mothers and to prove (themselves and their mothers) that they are better.
In goes the same with the families where the mother is a workaholic.
The thing you can do in these kinds of situations is to show your little girl that she can win the attention of her father not only by becoming better in the fields her mom is good but by achieving success in new disciplines like sport, music, mathematics etc.
b) Boys
As we already saw it boys look up to their fathers. Some psychologists say that mothers develop the feeling of emotions in their kids while fathers the one of responsibility and social status. Thus it is important for boys to spend considerable amount of time with their fathers (and other boys) in order to understand better their social and personal status. It is the father who should explain his son the questions about sexual development (the boys are feeling more comfortable with their fathers in this situation), aggression and masculine behavior. In the cases then fathers are not available it’s advised for another man adult to take this responsibility (grandfather, uncle or other friend). Mothers have to be very careful as the boy can become extremely attached to this person. If he’s not available relatively often this can provoke a separation crisis and disturb the child more than absence of a man adult.